captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
