I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
