last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I love you. Go after that dick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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