if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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