if you like me you must not know who I am
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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