he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
