nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
