mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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