had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
