I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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