You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
