I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
