Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
