I love black thongs
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
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