The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
