Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
