Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
