Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
