If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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