Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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