Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
