I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
