he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
