So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize