I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
