The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
