Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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