Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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