The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
