So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
