I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm like, not good at living.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize