Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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