How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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