I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
