I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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