Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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