I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
