i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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