I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
