Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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