I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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