There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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