dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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