I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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