I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
