fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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