I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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