someone threw a dead crab at me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
