my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
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