I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
