Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
