Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
