did you get engaged???
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
