I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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