I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
