So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just google imaged poop.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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