When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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