Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
