My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
