I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
