my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
